In the (seemingly never-ending) quest for Easy Money, the innovative concept of holding a Cat Raffle was recently raised.
My main objection – that cats indeed are IN ABUNDANCE and there’s actually more of a problem getting RID of said catz – fell on deaf ears and was met with the counterpoint that “if you have lemons, make lemonade”. In the world of business marketing, that falls neatly into the category of “creating desire where there formerly was NONE”: in this case, holding a Cat Raffle with all its possibilities of winning something coveted and beating out the overwhelming competition for a prize is the earmark of business success and savvy.
I can only wonder why nobody has thought of this before; but hey – in every business there IS a Steve Jobs just itching to innovate (which reminds me – throw in a few flea collars for the Lucky Winner…)
Now, any astute businesswoman knows that in order to Create Desire, it’s all about wording, wording, wording.
The first Cat Raffle Prize description that came to mind required just a leetle revision; to wit:
CAT RAFFLE! (Version 1)
Timmy DeKat is a grumpy and reluctant sailorcat who seeks a landlubber home. He’s a Lynx-Point Siamese breed which means that he can talk … which for Timmy takes the form of a series of Daily Lectures throughout the course of the day (and night!!!). A typical 5AM alpinesong will awaken the lucky servant rafflewinner, closely followed by a subvocal demand request for Just the Right Food. Imagine the fun of arising (much) earlier than anticipated, only to start the day right: with a game of ‘Which Food is ‘Purrfect’ for Me This Morning?’!
TAG – you lose! Go ahead – open up another can and retry. You have all day, after all…Isn’t this funnn??
The ideal servant will have an array of capabilities on her/his resume, from Litterbox Emptying skills to Acquiring the Higher-End (nee: most expensive) Litter (… no trackables for THIS perfect pussy!). Can Opener Expertise is a necessity, while daily marketing to select from the three (3) brand-and-item-specific goodies Timmy will (grouchily) imbibe is a requirement. (Driver’s license and SUV are two key needs, as these specific brands and flavors are not to be located in every supermarket; especially not those conveniently located to any routine of your existing lifestyle!)
Just think how empty and lonely your life was without the grumbles, groans, and moans of a perpetually discontented kitty who always wants to play the Let-Me-Outside/Inside Game! (And, yes – you WILL want to cut a cat door in Aunt Martha’s antique mahogany stained glass front door to let the cat out … AND invite his new raccoon buddies IN…)
CAT RAFFLE! (V. 2)
WIN ‘FIRST MATE’ POSITION
FOR CAPT’N TIMMY!
Timmy DeKat is at home on land and sea alike and you are raffling for a Fabulous Talking Cat – a rare breed of Lynx and Siamese with the ability to: sing, dance, serenade, and entice you to move towards the light (literally…). A typical day begins with The Morning Serenade inviting you to a brain-stimulating game of Open All Three Cat Foods I Will Eat So I Can Take my Pick (or he could reject them all – SURPRISE! Timmy’s constantly-changing tastes may be viewed as a brain-enhancing exercise designed to keep you on your toes and hold dementia at bay!)
Timmy DaKat is inspiration in fur. He will inspire you to: battle carpel tunnel syndrome by daily exercises using the Manual Can Opener Skillset, exercise your patience as he tests it through a series of vocal (and subvocal!) intonations, and center on your Inner Sleeper when his series of (lively) nocturnal explorations results in your conversion from a daylight-centric lifestyle to daylight catnapping … and more!
Those looking to handle Grumpy Old Men in their later years will find Timmy DaKat offers early training in Handling Grouchiness through an acclimation process designed to create within you a Deaf Ear to turn off any grouchy or grumbling noises that may percolate through your aura of innate happiness.
But WAIT – there’s more!!
Win this raffle and you will win the unlimited opportunity to play the coveted Let Me Inside/Outside Game (…a joy which likely vanished for you empty-nesters when your last child moved out…)
The best thing about the Cat Raffle?? There’s literally an unlimited supply of catz where this one came from – so repeated Raffles may be held to line your coffers with largess!
It’s the next best thing to the lottery for a money-making enterprise – and you don’t even have to fear The Mob will get wind of its high profit margins and want to enter the fray!
They are allergic to cats…