The Water Heater Follies

December 30, 2012

When the pressure valve on our 18-year-old water heater began leaking, casting billowing plumes of hot steam outside the kitchen window much like the smoke of Hell, it seemed a no-brainer to consider replacement over repair.

Two days later as my bff and I spent five LOONG hours and several days wrestling with a 118-pound behemoth and its subsequent lack of operation, it occurred to me that we coulda followed popular trends and hosted a party for the occasion.

After all: if friends could host pizza-infused House Painting Parties for a bit ‘o free labor – why not a Water Heater Party?

Such an event could include the following schedule:

9AM – Moment of Silence, reflecting on the billowing steam from the errant, soon-to-be-retired Oldster. Let the Follies begin!

9:15 – The How Many People Does it Take to Unpack A 118-Pound Water Heater and Haul It Into Position on a 2-Foot Platform? Game

(Caveat: dwarfs need NOT apply. Those claiming Bad Backs will be put in charge of Refreshments.)

9:20: Musical Interlude. Song: ‘Chain Gang’.

9:30: Piping Square Dance: all join hands, circle left…

9:45: Tank-Filling Ceremony of the Sacred Waters. Includes a few choice words from The Goddess of Plumbing.

10AM – Grand Pilot Lighting! Pass the torch – please!

10:15 – Troubleshooting Seminar OR: ‘Your Guess Is As Good As Mine!’

10:20-Noon – Internet research team kicks in with yodels, yells, and singing in rounds, with a healthy dose of The Beatles (“You say yes/I say no…”)

Noon-1PM – Lunch Break: pizza for all! (NOTE: NO hot water, so no hand-washing kumbiyas. BYOWipes…)

1-2PM – Tag team with Whirlpool Customer Service (a.k.a. ‘Fun with Michelle’.) Yes, Whirlpool made it. No, despite what is prominently displayed on the side of the water heater, they are playing Pass the Buck by sending you BACK to Lowes where you bought it. No, Lowes Customer Service doesn’t want it back EITHER – call Whirlpool – PLEASE. Is there a vortex in here, or is that just my imagination??

2-3PM – Propane Tank Pressure Regulator Game. Flame up/flame down. Sunrise/sunset. An hour of testing simply confirms the sad truth: our brand new acquisition is Caca and NOT the entire rest of our appliances (…as suggested to our Tag Team by the fine technicians at Whirlpool Customer Disservice), which hum along just dandy, thank you very much, on the propane pressure they were born into.

3PM-4PM – Tag Team Two with Whirlpool Customer Service, with Tag Team One simultaneously enjoying Lowes Customer Service. More Buck-Passing Games (…we ain’t talkin’ a Stag Party either, folks!)

4PM-5PM – Closing Ceremonies. With Cursing.

Midnight. Another day, another Water Heater Party!

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