…we all know the story: a sad tale of a different little deer picked on by the In Crowd, who spends his days in the schoolyard stable sobbing by the fenceline igloo wondering aloud: “Why ME? Why did I have to be born with a red nose??”

Oh, I’m sure his parents consoled him with the usual candy-ass platitudes (“Rudolph, one day you will grow up to be a leader! All of the other reindeer are ordinary and boring but you, Red Nose – you have the potential to be GREAT.”)

 “WHY ME, Mommy?? YOU put out a red light

on the porch EVERY NIGHT – but you don’t

 have to WEAR ONE…”

But first he had to become strong enough to haul a sleigh – and had to learn to trust in himself and overcome his antisocial inclination to just TORCH THE WORKSHOP before one day his nose led him not into trouble, but into a heavenly (so to speak) job.

We all know the drill.

What you may not know is …. RUDOLPH IS REAL.


Now, I’m not talkin’ the sleighful of gifts. THAT piece was outgrown when I was about nine when a wayward Santa suit was uncovered in the back of the garage, with much detective work incriminating a drunk and disorderly Dad hell-bent on BEING SANTA despite one-too-many beers that year.


I outgrew the whole sleigh routine that year. I think.


But Red Nose Himself – now, that’s a different story!


Hark, if you will, on the following factoids:


1.    A fraction of reindeer—the species of deer scientifically known as Rangifer Tarandus , native to Arctic regions in Alaska, Canada, Greenland, Russia and Scandinavia—actually do have noses colored with a distinctive red hue.


So in one fell swoop we’ve not on VALIDATED the entire red-nose experience, but have honed our investigative skills of the Workshop itself to exist in either: Alaska, Canada, Greenland, Russia or Scandinavia (…and since the Russians are neither a jolly folk nor believers in much of ANYTHING, I think we can rule out the Scrooges of the East as being involved in this matter.)

The Original Rudolph. NOBODY messed with HIM….

2.    A study published yesterday in the online medical journal BMJ (no, I have no extended name and BMJ.com does exist – click for yourself. I postulate that it actually stands for British Magical Journeys, myself – but the makers proved too embarrassed to spell it out. No worries – I figgered it out on my own….) indicates that the color is due to “an extremely dense array of blood vessels, packed into the nose in order to supply blood and regulate body temperature in extreme environments.”

I might add: personal scientific investigation shows that high alcohol levels produces the SAME RED NOSE. Was Rudolph DRUNK, or merely an evolutionary improvement on his species? Greater men(women) than I have reflected on this same possibility when it comes to the human condition….

3.    “To come to the findings, the scientists examined the noses of two reindeer and five human volunteers with a hand-held video microscope that allowed them to see individual blood vessels and the flow of blood in real time. They discovered that the reindeer had a 25% higher concentration of blood vessels in their noses, on average.”

Critical note: NOBODY TESTED ANYBODY FOR BEER. Thus introducing the sordid concept of Critical Error into the entire experimental process, likely invalidating the whole conclusion.

4.    “They also put the reindeer on a treadmill and used infrared imaging to measure what parts of their bodies shed the most heat after exercise. The nose, along with the hind legs, reached temperatures as high as 75°F—relatively hot for a reindeer—indicating that one of the main functions of all this blood flow is to help regulate temperature, bringing large volumes of blood close to the surface when the animals are overheated, so its heat can radiate out into the air.”

What THIS piece proves, most of all, is that when on a treadmill, make sure to NOT cover your nose. It’s a regulator. Even more importantly, take care of your reindeer when HE is on the treadmill. An overheated reindeer is a sad, sad thing…

Wannabes need not apply for this job!

In conclusion, we can scientifically maintain that if the presence of Rangifer Tarandus (“just call ‘em RUDOLPH”) has been proven via Science … the Fat Guy on the Sleigh comes NEXT.

Be forewarned, all you False Santas.  Science IS coming in your direction. Via sleigh, being pulled by a HERD OF BIG-ASS, MUTANT RED-NOSE REINDEER (…why yes, Rudolph found his mate and produced a Line of ‘em…) intent on eliminating the False Santas from the world.

Happy howlidaze!

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