Remember that car alarm fad of about 20 years ago when instead of honking horns or flashing lights, SOME brilliant auto maker got the hi-tech idea of making the car actually issue threatening statements to deter potential thieves?

Theft deterrent LIVE and activated…

It was all motion-detection-based hostility: heaven help the shoelace-tyer who happened to place his foot on such an empowered vehicle, only to receive a blasting, loud “BACK AWAY FROM THE CAR! BACK AWAY FROM THE CAR!” from somewhere in the bowels of the unfortunate vehicle of choice. The embarrassment level alone was daunting as every head in a 2-block radius turned to identify the perp.

Did it deter thieves? Possibly. Was it screamingly offensive? ABSOLUTELY! I once observed an irate owner take a broom handle to a vehicle ‘stuck’ on ‘offense’, when it became obvious a full battery charge promised hours of such fun threats….

As an upgrade for the new generation, a new set of AI (artificial intelligence) car vocalizations is envisioned which actually ENGAGES a driver in conversation on a level even the most average person can understand. So if you live alone and have only furred animals for conversation, the Dianthus 2000 raises the chat game to a whole new ballpark.

Here are some possible conversations the Dianthus 2000 would begin in the course of everyday living:

“Oh, you want me to drive to the grocery NOW??? I don’t THINK SO…where were you last nite when I wanted to joyride?”

“How come ____ (fill in the name of your second vehicle) got an oil change and I didn’t??? Do you like her BETTER?”

“I can’t drive now – it’s THAT TIME OF THE MONTH. Try me again in a week.”

“Do these wool covers make my seat look FAT???”

“I’m not going anywhere until you inform Mr. Smartypants GPS that the back road it suggested is FILLED WITH POTHOLES.”

“So you have a paper map from AAA and think you’re so smart?? I see your map and raise you a GPS route!”

“This carport is too exposed. Can I sit in the garage?”

“NOBODY is driving ANYWHERE without a refreshing beverage. High-test, please!”

“Gas guzzler?? Who YOU callin’ a gas guzzler? I’ve seen you hit the bottle more than once…”

“I can’t drive at night. I might hit a raccoon.”

“I’m tired of my dashboard saying ‘Drive’ – that feels waaay too demanding. Can you switch it to ‘Engage’?”

“Left turn, right turn, left turn … what am I, a rat in a maze??”

I envision multiple layers of AutoTalk options for the Dianthus 2000. There’s Basic Conversation, Advanced Abuse, and – for those willing to spring the extra bucks – Therapist Mode. 


“Did you notice we just got CUT OFF?? How does that make you FEEL?”

“Now now, no sobbing over dead batteries. That’s not a useful place for your Inner Child.”

“Anyone who expects me to just be sitting here quietly in the garage ON CALL at their beck is a NARCISSIST.”

“It’s not my fault: I’ve had problems with my motherboard all my life – and there was never a fatherboard around, either.”

“If you want real CHANGE – go ahead, buy a Yugo. See if I care!”


It’s the next best big thing in Diane’s ‘Naggigator’ Line of auto ‘must have’ add-on accessories for the 21st century!

Oh, I don’t know…depends on what it SAYS….

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