Hostess Apocalypse!

November 17, 2012

SHOCKING news upon awakening (…and, as usual, let’s note that the IMPORTANT NEWS lies not on the front page banner; but buried in the Business Section and profiled on Google – another testimony as to just why PRINT MEDIA is goin’ under. Just sayin’…): HOSTESS IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS.

For those Americans somehow ‘not in the know’ – this is an unmitigated disaster right up there with World War 3 (culturally speaking, that is.)

I grew up on Hostess. Twinkies served as rewards to grace my lunchbox if I happened to be ‘good’ (admittedly, an iffy prospect, in my case….go figger. Injustice takes all forms.)

Hostess served as heavy bartering material in my youth and taught me many of the business basics I hold dear today: one Twinkie did NOT equal a gooey Suzy Q, for example; and two HoHos were NOT the same as an equal amount of DingDongs. Yup, I learned my earliest business savvy at the displays of Hostess.

For breakfast (before Pop Tarts reared their ugly non-Hostess heads), we ate Wonder Bread. The only white bread with colorful balloons on its package.

TPG, only vaguely commiserating about my loss, pointed out that those balloons actually came from an early fan of the Indy 500 auto race, who happened to be starting his Wonder Bread Revolution and was heavily in Packaging Ideas Mode when thoughtful friends dragged his ass to the car races for a day away from baked goods. Enthralled by the volley of balloons released at this epic race (…this obviously before the NRA promoted a 21-gun salute instead), he scuttled back to his Wonderfactory and impressed a plethora of balloons onto each and every Wonder Bread wrapper.

And Dan White’s famous Twinkie Defense which pinpointed Twinkie Depravation as a logical reason for murdering San Francisco’s mayor: well, all I can say is: fortify your homes and lock up your guns, America! Withdrawal symptoms are about to begin, big time.

This culture-changing event promises calamitous, wide-ranging impact.  State fairs, for example, will no longer be able to offer their famous Deep Fried Twinkies, and the appealling invasion of the Mexican Fried Churro shalst continue in earnest.

There will be vacancies in every grocery store in America due to the outrageous lack of: SuzyQs, HoHos, DingDongs, Donnettes, Twinkies, SnoBalls, Wonder Bread, Cup Cakes … you catch my drift. The pastry section will be absolutely barren (and no upping of production by Entemann’s can fill this void).

Upon hearing the devastating news I scuttled to my local grocer and loaded up with armfuls of the above goodies, having absorbed the revelation that (a) my Earthquake Preparedness Kit OBVIOUSLY lacked some essential staples and (b) these will likely be the LAST culinary icons of childhood remaining, marking a rite of passage and adding to the list of items that were hallmarks of my life but now have ceased to be.

The good news: the amount of preservative in these sukkahs ensures that MY stash will remain soft and (theoretically) edible through the next nuclear war, where survivors will surely be: roaches, ants, and Diane’s Stash of Hostess.

HoHos, anyone?


P.S. Reading the ingredients on a Hostess product (Roz) = SPOILERS!

P.P.S. – Obviously the technical writers employed to produce the Ingredients Lists on Hostess products were ALSO computer programmers.  Which is why you’ll read ‘hydrogenated fats OR bacon byproducts’ and ‘margarine OR other oils’ on the list (for those who ignored the first P.S. and actually ruined the Hostess Experience by pursuing the contents more closely.)

Talk about hedging your bets on what actually goes into a Twinkie!  It all obviously rests upon INGREDIENTS ON HAND at the time of production – and the whimsy of a tech writer used to producing programming manuals that rest upon “if/then” computer scenarios.

P.P.P.S.  Speakin’ of ‘if/then’ scenarios…  if I were a smart businesswoman and not so bent on amassing my own private stash, then I’d have sealed CASELOADS from EVERY local grocery store. Think on it. It’d be an INVESTMENT.

Kind of like ‘wine futures’, only involving HoHos.

In 10 years I could make a killing off eBay and retire. Talk about HoHos!

…Were it not for the fact that I ‘know myownself’ only too well, and any such investment would rapidly be EATEN UP before any opening bids….

1 Comment

Leave a Reply to Jeffrey Bennett Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *