The Deer Chronicles

September 29, 2012

When you live on acres of land, you get used to mysterious, unsolved deaths.

I’m talkin’ the occasional deer, fox, skunk or possum carcass that serves as the only concrete evidence that yesterday’s Field Day animal celebration got just a leetle out of hand.

The first clue as to the presence of a corpus delecti is the appearance of the Undertakers (a.k.a. vultures), who sit patiently on the treetops waiting for rigor mortus to set in.

Much as those of us over 50 shudder to think that the “bell tolls for thee”, in fact the Undertakers actually have their beady eyes set upon a carcass that isn’t still moving around.

So The Peanut Gallery was sad to note that the only Mrs. Deer he’d seen on the property this year appeared to be Undertaker fodder in the Back 40, barely visible beyond our bedroom window. Sad – but it’s a fact of rural living.

So when TPG arose this morn and opened the blinds, it was to begin his day with an unprecedented miracle.

“Look!” he shouted, pointing.  “The deer has RISEN. It’s a MIRACLE!”

Now, since we’d both observed a solid week of Undertaker activity (and indeed an occasional waft from the impromptu crypt confirmed the sad demise), I was pretty skeptical about this miracle.

A visit to the Back 40 proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the original corpus delectable was still being attended to by a pair of enthusiastic Undertakers who had apparently moved in for the duration.

So how did TPG explain the puzzling and sudden appearance of a deer who looked “exactly” like the deceased, when only ONE deer had been observed all year?

Simple (to my mind).

There’s OBVIOUSLY a Deer Cloning Factory in operation somewhere in the Back 40.


The Undertakers reported the sad event and the Deer Clones quickly produced a suitable replacement from DNA on hand.

Everyone knows it takes a few daze of accelerated growth to produce a suitably-sized replacement; which is why Number Two hadn’t appeared sooner.

As usual, TPG scoffed at my “illogical and scientifically inaccurate” representation of the facts.

Apparently he’d rather believe in the logical, scientific and factual proof of RESURRECTION.

I rest my case….

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