Pillow Talk

August 11, 2012

I was introduced to the concept of Pillow Talk at an early age compliments of The Hilton’s single Hershey’s Kiss left on my pillow – but I may have got it a weensy bit wrong over the decades. You see, I thought such talk centered around: Hershey’s Kisses, a single Rose, or a series of wordless figures designed to impart controversial messages where spoken words failed.

Let’s follow a typical marriage through its enactment of MY interpretation of Pillow Talk:


Year One: A single rose marks the certainty that the honeymoon is over (especially when a gleeful snatching of said blossom for a deeper sniff results in 2 hours of careful Thorn Extraction via tweezers and much screaming on the part of the Honeymooner. Lesson: it doesn’t pay to be too greedy – or gleeful – where roses are involved…)

Lesson #1: Love can be a thorn in one’s side.

            Lesson #2: Or one’s finger.

Year Two: A Hershey’s Kiss imparts the subtle message that we’ve been overstayin’ our welcome in fancy-ass hotels. It’s obviously time to travel less and stay home more. With chocolate.

Year Three: It’s math time: three Hershey’s Kisses on my pillow transmits two clear messages: (a) it’s Year Three:  wake up and don’t smell any roses and (b) one Kiss is simply not enough. (BOTH contentions I readily support…)

Year Four: The Chocolate Diet Cookbook appears. NOW we’re talkin’. Especially since in Years Two and Three, one just HAD to consume the rest ‘o the bag of Hersheys since everyone knows (a) Kisses don’t come singly (unless they’re the newly-minted HUGE size or involve apologies) and (b) you can be certain the bag won’t last long enough to grace anybody’s pillow a year whole away…so might as well eat them all up now. The Chocolate Diet Cookbook just makes the whole consumption process EASIER and even guilt-free. Why guilt-free? ‘Cause it’s now a VALID DIET (take THAT, Dr. Atkins!)

Note: I been eatin’, but I NOT been losin’.

        What’s up with THAT????

Year Five: Pillow Talk hit its height with a single wordless message: a HUGE stuffed pink pig sits on my pillow. No chocolate, no cookbooks – just a tub ‘o lard offering its not-so-subtle point.  

…one sign that the honeymoon’s over….

The romance is OBVIOUSLY over, resulting in years of tit-for-tat pillow messages; to wit:

Year Six: The biggest stuffed animal SKUNK I could find sits on HIS pillow. I’ll leave you to extrapolate the wordless marital message of THIS stinker…

Year Seven: A BUNCH of red roses on my pillow proffers the message that there may still be love, but a HELL of a lot of thorns have developed over the years. It also reinforces the fact that many hard lessons still go unlearned. The proof of the pudding: TWO DAYS of Thorn Extraction services provided by The Peanut Gallery, accompanying a LOT more screaming (on my part…).

Year Eight: Time to fight fire with fire. Plus, it’s been eight years since a decent pillow replacement appeared. A manly EXTRA LARGE pillow, I found, is just the ticket to host: a bag ‘o sugarfree chocolate (for the newly diabetic), the ‘Lose 80 Pounds and Be Sexy Cookbook’ (…‘cause I’m tired of pulling the weight on my own), an even BIGGER stuffed pig (so somebody knows what side his bacon fries on) and – to soften the blows – I resurrected the stuffed skunk from Year Six and outfitted him with a bottle ‘o Old Spice, TPG’s favorite aftershave. (Note: which USED to cost $3.50 and now costs a whopping $9.50. JUST mentioning. Weight and revenge aren’t the only things heating up around here now that Walgreen’s has entered the fray!)          

Year Nine: A simple invitation to a Pillow Fight makes short work of the ‘talk’ portion of this annual celebration and causes feathers to fly (or in this case – since modern pillows have seen narry a bird wing in over 9 years – the stuffing.) It’s with this momentous year’s festivities that I discover the hitherto-well-hidden fact that The Peanut Gallery was a CHAMPION pillow fighter in his day – and hasn’t lost his touch.

Well, bite me – how was I to know of this hidden talent? It certainly didn’t rear its ugly feathered head over the last eight years. (And take note: such important facts are the SOLE reason to recommend premarital counseling.)

The Olympics have added a LOT of new events this year; so I’m writing them to advise that Pillow Fighting be part of the international competition arena – with TPG a major contestant (…the man could beat the stuffing out of a TYRANNOSAURUS REX with just one pillow, one-handed…ask me how I know…)

Just GUESS who’s on the losin’ end of THIS fluffy fight???

Year Ten: The traditional gift for Year 10 is ‘diamond jewelry’. Yeah, in your dreams – like there’s any gold, diamonds, or other precious gems in our budget! No matter. I discovered you can achieve the same impact with a (diamond-looking) CUT GLASS PIG (and be advised: SKUNKS in diamond-like cut glass are virtually impossible to find! Ask me how I know…)

For the sake of brevity I won’t go into the other 26 years of anniversary Pillow Talk.

Simply be advised: these commercially-advertised, annual ‘anniversary gift themes’ CAN be revised to fit YOUR individual needs. Wikipedia has a HANDY list of such annual themes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_anniversary), neatly taking da guesswork out of the whole scenario.



P.S.: Be advised: after the 15th year, the annual celebratory theme process disintegrates into 5-year increments. Possibly the authors believed NO UNION was gonna last more than 15 years; and if anyone DID – they’d be too tired to celebrate annually!

Further Note: …you mean I have to wait for 85 YEARS OF MARRIAGE to celebrate with WINE? Just shoot me! Well, it better be LaFite, then – ‘cause to be married 85 YEARS, I’d have had to enter marital bliss at age 10 – and I’m sorry; but it’s not the Middle East around here (last I looked…)

Last Note: Speaking of shooting, I also observe that Year 90’s anniversary theme is STONE.

They left out the ‘HEAD’ before the ‘STONE’ part….


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