I’m talkin’ music: specifically that poor choice (in my opinion) that we call our national anthem – which is primarily an opportunity for any musically-disinclined singer to have a go at notes she shouldn’t even be THINKING about!

But this rant is not just about music, mind you – it’s also about our choice of National Bird (while we’re taking potshots at cherished political traditions. It’s two-for-one day, yea!).

We currently hold aloft the Eagle and The Star-Spangled Banner. One is all about pride; the other is all about war.

Pride goeth before a fall – or so my mama always taught me. And any proud of their ability to actually sing through The Star-Spangled Banner needs to amass an array of candid opinions before they go ‘round singing it in front of, say, the Rodeo’s grand opening at the annual local County Fair. (Just sayin’….)

No. Business. Singing.

My proposal is quite simple: impeach the Eagle; elect the Vulture as our National Bird.

And while we’re at it, replace that virtually un-singable Star-Spangled Banner with something more modern and appropriate that everyone can sing. Say: ‘Six Feet Under’. At the LEAST, there’s a song nearly everyone can sing. I think it’s TIME for a Heavy Metal National Anthem (…and whom better to provide the ripping guitars and crashing lyrics than Coldspell? Talk about immediately involving the younger generation in a patriotic sing-along with something they can relate to – and whose theme ties in neatly with our revamped National Bird [i.e. ‘death’]).

Ohhhhh say can you see…..

It’s GOTTA be better than The Star Spangled Banner (…the tune of which is actually based on an English drinking song, which is DELIBERATELY difficult to sing. The whole idea was: if you couldn’t sing the song, you were TOO DAMN DRUNK). [of course, you had to be drunk, to sing it at all…]. Note to Police Officers: 4get makin’ them walk the line. Just make ‘em sing ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ for a quick assessment of DUI potentials…or not.

As TPG astutely points out, all but the most talented of singers sound drunk when attempting the Banner anyways… (Myself, I think those ‘bombs bursting in air’ are simply a metaphor for cracking voices and struggling vocal chords hitting the wall as they attempt to soar to heights no human voice was ever meant to achieve…)

As far as the bird brain end of patriotic business goes, just think on it: there are SO many useful images for the National Vulture, these days. When the U.S. enters a war, we can portray our National Vulture proudly flying into (or away from) battle carrying, say, a rabbit carcass with the motto “U.S.: We Clean Up Where Others Don’t”. There could be bumper stickers to the tune of “Carrion Your Blues Away”. In airports, a vulture stand-up cardboard figure by TSA could emphasize the warning “Limit Your Carrion Luggage Size – OR ELSE We Will Have a Bone to Pick with You”.

Garbage trucks could proudly portray the National Bird as they performed their (less efficient) pickup services ‘round the neighborhood (hey – nobody can compete with ‘free’: that’s the patriotic beauty of the Vulture. It even ties in with the ‘land of the free’ mention in the [retired] national anthem…)

The slogan/song ‘American the Beautiful’ could be supplemented by a Vulture headshot with the added admonition “Cleaning up OUR World for Future Generations”.

And much as the ubiquitous Eagle has enjoyed notoriety even on money, we can thoughtfully place a VULTURE on every newly minted dollar coin. You can just FEEL the bite.

And all those international conflicts? Just email the ornery heads of foreign states a wordless picture portraying a string of vultures sitting on a fence line patiently WAITING. Any reticent politician dragging his heels on peace will quickly get the message about exactly whose carcass may be next on the valley floor….

America: putting the BITE

on the Axis of Evil…we’re gonna GETCHA.

Oh: The Peanut Gallery has interjected, quashing yet another great thought for bringing American politics into the 21st century.

Am I carrion things a bit too far?

I’m sorry….(NOT!)

Every BIT as regal as the Eagle!

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