Trash Talk

July 11, 2012

City folk usually don’t think much about trash. Garbage service is mandatory and mathematically speaking there’s a direct correlation: the can goes out once a week and garbage vanishes. End of story.

Sebastiano Pitruzzello (aka gorillaradio) / Foter

3 bins TOO MANY!

But The Peanut Gallery is a Recycler Extraordinaire from his hippie days. To him “trash” does not exist, per say. It’s all GOLD in dem dar cans.

He has cultivated a careful formula for converting “trash” to diamonds.  To wit:

1. ‘Garbage’. This primarily consists of ‘biodegradables’ such as food scraps, peels, Diane’s uneaten dinners (or culinary epic failures), etc.  Bill’s take is to recycle this through burying it. Then, in a mysterious (to me) process of conversion, theoretically said ‘garbage’ would transform itself to useful, rich soil. Reminds me of Superman…

The sad reality: every raccoon in town has Bill’s ‘Garbage Day’ DOWN. Evening screaming fights over the largess have become common. It’s better than watching FOX News.

Raccoon Family
alasam / Foter

2. ‘Trash’.  This generic misnomer can be converted to a number of useful recyclables: glass, some plastics, paper and cardboard, and aluminum cans. Bins are stationed near the kitchen for each. And Heaven Help the Thrower who places a SCRAP of paper in the Cardboard Bin….

Such definition leaves the ubiquitous ‘wastepaper basket’ in our bathroom in a virtual black hole of uncertainty.  One can for all five different recyclables may be ‘unacceptable’ to The Great Divider, but it’s ALL that fits between toilet and tub in our small bathroom.

I doubt any other household regularly battles over trash: i.e. which bin is properly defined as ‘paper’ vs. ‘cardboard’. I ask you: where does this leave the unassuming cereal box, which APPARENTLY is “too thin” to be properly defined as ‘cardboard’ and “too slick” for ‘paper’? Plain and simple: it’s TRASH. A word TPG does NOT like, as it implies ‘useless’. (Duh! That’s why it’s TRASH!)

After the 100th discussion about Product Placement, I proposed a solution: pile it ALL in one of those handy black plastic bags, call it ALL ‘garbage’, and take it to the dump like everyone else. Heresy!! And TPG smelled dissention in the ranks….

I was summarily accused of ‘Trash Talk’; my (logical) proposal immediately and firmly rejected.

Recycling: to my mind, it’s all about: raccoons, their brethren the rats, complex definitions of ‘garbage’, and a fair amount of ‘Trash Talk’ taking over the household conversations. Complex … and fodder for ongoing battle.

Last night I was late taking the ‘garbage’ out for its ritual burial. At the anointed burial grounds five sets of glowing eyes eagerly awaited my arrival.

It was an entire Raccoon Family, apparently raised on the largess of The Great Recycler.

JPChamberland / Foter

“You’re LATE!”

I then did a leetle research and discovered that in an ideal recycling world, one placed such garbage in an animal-proof drum and when it self-heated to an appropriately steaming temperature, THEN it was buried with proper ceremony where, too hot for anybody’s evening meal, it WOULD eventually convert to something akin to ‘soil’.

When the proposition of an ‘animal-proof drum’ was posited to TPG – I was accused of yet more Trash Talk.

Some days, it just don’t pay to get outta bed….

…OR take out the garbage…

Midnight Buffet
alasam / Foter

 A meeting of the Raccoons for Piece Movement

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