‘Friend Me’

June 16, 2012

There’s a reason why I wear earplugs to bed in a rural environment (my house sits smack in the middle of 2.5 acres): and that’s the array of nocturnal buddies who all want to ‘friend me’, vocally, at midnight.

Last night The Peanut Gallery (Bill) gave me a series of increasingly urgent pokes ‘till I awoke from REM sleep.

“Are you awake??” he hissed.

Yeah, NOW I am…but I had to pull das earplugs out to complete the transition from REM to PISSED.

“Listen to THAT!” he continued. Silence lengthened like the bad mood I was suddenly cultivating.

“It was HUGE. It was right outside our window. It started with a low bark, was silent for a few minutes, then repeated its call in a falsetto whistle.”

It’s challenging to mentally assess ALL the possibilities of the local animal kingdom’s nocturnal calls at 1AM – but an initial mental review pretty well eliminated the usual list of suspects: i.e. puma, bobcat, dying wabbit, or possum.

“What should we DO?” hissed TPG. It was then, now fully awake, that I realized the sordid truth.

TPG was wide awake in a manly fit of “defend my territory against invaders.”

Only there was NO CLUE as to this intruder’s identity – and thus, no possibility of making a proper plan for parameter defense.

There was only one thing I COULD do.

I handed him the box of earplugs and kindly advised him to ‘stuff it’ and ‘go to sleep.’

Alarmed look
                   WTF DO YOU WANT???? IT’S 1AM!!!!!!


Silence descended (both inside and outside) – but I’m sure I heard The Final Word from TPG before sleep descended upon all:

“That’s right – close your ears to danger. You will be the first eaten.”

I snickered all the way into Slumberland, confident that Harry the Heron or possibly Rocky Raccoon – obviously more concerned about mating than omnivorous midnight cravings – wouldn’t be the cause of my demise that night.

Yeah, go ahead and ‘friend’ me….

Only NOT at midnight. I wear earplugs, and I can’t hear you.

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