No Substitutions!

June 8, 2012

I am sure waitresses ‘in the know’ hide out in the kitchen (or call breaktime) when they see some customers coming.

For example, The Peanut Gallery is the ultimate mix ‘n matcher.  In a world of ‘no substitutions’, he is LOST. ‘Breakfast out’ thus assumes a complexity a chef (or waitress) never imagined, as in a recent meal.

New Waitress: “Yes sir: it’s three crepes with either fruit or meat: your choice.”

(Note: The two most dangerous words to TPG is ‘your choice’; ‘cause to him ‘choice’ = ‘unlimited license to fly’)

TPG: “Can I get two meat and one fruit crepe?”

NW trots to kitchen, returns: “No sir – they all have to be the same.”

TPG: “OK, then: what meats do you have?”

NW (taking a gander): “Whatever meats you see on the ‘sides’ or breakfast side of the menu.”

Another visit to Chez Steaming to confirm Das Choices – and another two to confirm (1) the presence of chorizo and (2) how hot IS the chorizo??

TPG: “I can’t decide. Can I mix the meats – have some of all of ‘em?”

NW (trots to kitchen, returns): “No, sir. JUST PICK ONE.” (hmmm…was  that a near-shout? Your tip just went down…)

TPG: “All these meats to choose from and it has to be just one??”

NW: “Yes, sir!”

(Stirrings from the rest ‘o the customers in da joint indicate Consumer Rebellion is in the making as the ONLY waitress in da joint is both new and has been apparently been snagged for a 30-minute meal consultation by TPG – who is blissfully ignorant of the rising talk of war around us.)

TPG (big sigh): “OK, then: give me ALL HAM. Sheesh.”

NW (likely also, internally, sighing): “What kind of cheese, sir?”

TPG: “Do I have to have cheese?”

NW (nearly shouting): “NO! You do NOT have to have cheese!”

TPG (rethinking his options): “Well, what kind of cheese do you have?”

NW must trot to the kitchen again as this query was obviously not on her cheat sheet.

NW (returning): “Swiss, Cheddar, American, Pepper Jack….”

TPG: “Ooooh – I love pepper jack – but it doesn’t always love me. How hot is your pepper jack??”

NW: “I have no clue….” (Another backroom consult with the chef. Returning.) “Not very hot.”

TPG (sighing loudly): “DARN – I LOVE pepper jack – but I just remembered I’m lactose intolerant. I’ll have to pass.”

Ever see Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’??                                                                  

                                           …yeah, me tooo…

 Substitute NW’s face at this point.

The rest ‘o the restaurant isn’t far behind.

Me – I’ve long since abandoned ship in favor of looking at the art work on the walls – and trying to pretend I didn’t actually enter with The Peanut Gallery.

Nope – never saw ‘em before.

And yes, I’ll have a coffee and bagel, please.

When you have a moment, that is…and, dare I ask what toppings you have for the bagel???

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