To my credit, I have amassed many skills in over 50 years of food fights and impulse-ridden battles: enough to authoritatively comment on the effectiveness of food artillery choices.

To wit:


1.    Croissants.

 Too light, too flaky – and only available in California and France, thus limiting an effective worldwide deployment. In the world of food fighting, it’s all about availability, availability, availability.

2.    Spaghetti.

          Individually powerful; collectively a strange attractor…

                                          “…Just SHOOT me….”

 Too many strands/lacks impact. It’s the old adage of ‘divide and don’t conquer’. A solid mass of lasagna achieves far more respectable results than the individualistic spaghetti strands that insist on going in all directions.


1.    Broccoli.

…excellent portability, sustainability, readily available on hospital plates for that in-house deluge, and comes loaded with vitamins and bad memories (i.e. “eat your broccoli, kids!” Yuk.)

2.    Marshmallows.  Heck, they even make a PVC GUN for this ammo, fergodssakes.  And Good Authority has it that a Florida driveway was once covered with the spoils of this war (luckily, all EDIBLE).

      Commercial Version. DIY with PVC – amaze yr friends!


3.    Potatoes.  Did you know they ALSO made cannon for such – and that it’s a federal offense to own one?? No shirt, Sherlock!  (And I gots a SACKLOAD of felonies just sittin’ blatantly out in the garage stillroom….)

                              Beware the Potato Hunter…

                             …the latest hi-tech weapon

                                   in the U.S. arsenal: the


                                         Potato Cannon

 4.    Chocolate.  ‘cause nuttin’ says ‘I love you’ like 100 Hersheys Kisses peppering a house via marshmallow gun.

5.    Raspberries.  This dual-purpose fearsome fruit can pelt and stain, earning it our ‘Awesome Food Ammo’ Award’. A close runner-up: its cousin, the blueberry.

6.    Footlong Hotdogs. The invention of the Footlong Photon Torpedo is well documented in Star Trek (…well hey, they never showed the actual torpedo being loaded into the bun of doom, eh?)

                    “Scotty… arm the photon torpedos!”

                      (…and don’t let it fool ya: the Trek

                   ‘photon torpedo’ is actually – and obviously –

                              an Oscar Meyer footlong….)

7.    Brussels Sprouts: The All-American, ready-to-fly food.

            The AK-47 repeater rifle model. Lock and load!

 …also readily available, green, and mean.  Further advantage: explodes upon impact, sending BS shards everywhere. Impossible to completely clean up from victims’ bodies.

I could go on all day.

Suffice it to say – if you want affordable ‘parameter defense’; if you want ammo without needing a license; and if you want to follow the letter of the law without registering your weapon with the government – look no further than your local produce section.

And I’m sure if you explain your purpose, Grocer Gary will even lend a helpful hand in your DIY wargames project!

Enjoy your weekend.

And, WATCH OUT for flying BS….

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