You’re Welcome.

April 23, 2012

‘News’ means different things to different people. Even those residing under the same roof.

‘News’ to The Peanut Gallery:

. Politics

. Local events

. World events

. Comics

It’s ‘news’ to me:

. Racing Mules

. $3K Earth Station up for sale

. Alien anything

. Animal anything

. Strange oddities (including taxidermy, toys, and the discovery of new species)

. Comics

. Science fiction anything (especially Dr. Who, Star Trek, Torchwood, and Dr. Horrible).

Because I personally deem The Peanut Gallery’s news interests just a TAD too ‘boring’, sometimes I throw in something unexpected and fun (for me anyhowz) for shock value and reflection. Something, admittedly, possibly ‘made up’ (….though THAT depends entirely upon one’s perception of ‘reality’ and definition of ‘made up’…).

This morning’s ‘news’ was ‘something Bill missed’ (and POSSIBLY ‘something Diane made up’, to keep da man on his toes):

Moi: “I can’t believe you didn’t SEE this article! ALL the good news is hidden in the obits section, ya know?”

B.: “See WHAT article?? I read EVERY WORD of today’s paper.”

(Ed.’s note: since B.’s review of The Daily takes 2-3 hours, his interpretation of matters may be deemed ‘literal’.)

Moi: “It’s a very short piece about the evolution of carnivorous, man-eating amphibians.”

B.: ????

Moi: “Yes, you heard right. It wasn’t until a small child in Florida was consumed by her new pet frog Herbert that the media caught on to this rapidly evolving danger.”

Bill (Disbelieving, as usual. For some reason.): “That is SO NOT TRUE. Amphibians are OMNIVORES, but they would NEVER eat anything larger than a snake.”

Moi (haughtily): “Apparently NOT ALWAYS. I guess the vegan diet got to them after some 363,000 million years of evolution and now they are OUT FOR BLOOD. BIG blood. This article says the Pygmy Frog was not the first to go feral, either. A small boy’s salamander collection went on the rampage two weeks ago and ATE THE FAMILY DOG (admittedly, a Chihuahua). And there’ve been a LOT of mysterious forest deaths now attributed to killer toads.”

Bill (starting to believe): TOADS?

Moi: “Yeah. They’ve had to mark off a Florida Toad Breeding Ground with some of that yellow police crime scene tape. Only instead of saying ‘crime scene’, it’s been modified to read ‘Danger: Killer Toad Breeding Ground.”

Since I refused to let go my section of the ‘news’ paper immediately, B. began contemplating the horrible implications (as we have not a few frogs and toads on our very property.) Especially when I built a case for the trend hopping across the country from its Florida origins, much in the manner of the Westward flight of the Killer Bees decades ago.

It took me only 10 minutes of ‘reading’ and arguing to convince The Peanut Gallery of (a) the facts and (b) the imminent danger.

Such is the joy of marriage.

It was SO satisfying to see The Peanut Gallery out by the fish pond scouring the area for any signs of Carnivorous Toad activity. I was even inspired (later that day) to pick up a small roadkill possum (of which, there are many this time of year) on the road home from grocery shopping and deposit it on the pond bank so when B. returned home from work he could ‘see evidence’ that The Killer Toad had, indeed, invaded our small hamlet of Bloomfield.

Yes, I admit to letting him not only write his ‘letter to the editor’ warning of the discovery, but mail it in.

AND even to letting him make the Humane Society call that undoubtedly had the entire organization abuzz.

 I also readily admit to letting the ‘news’ mature for a week or so before confessing that, indeed, Carnivorous Man-Eating Amphibians were a distinct possibly not yet actually proven by science … or even reported by The Daily News.


There were (unfair) accusations of “news-fixing.”

To which I could only reply:

“JUST THANK ME for making your news experience a little RICHER, shall we?”

You’re welcome.

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