April 20, 2012

Since any early covetous thoughts of ‘cow tipping’ (actually an impossibility in San Francisco due to the lack of bovines within city limits) has long ago been abandoned, I was floored yesterday by one of the most interesting articles in recent news: that the federal government had an interest in exploding cows. As in: blowing them up.

Apparently last Fall, cows that were grazing on federal land in Colorado took refuge in a cabin during a storm and then froze to death. The options (to the U.S. Forest Service) seem clear:

a. airlift them out using a helicopter or

b. burn down the cabin

c. explode the cows

Before Spring thaw set in and introduces a whole new set of issues.

I posit some other alternatives, to wit:

1.    Hold a Freezer Fiesta. Think of it: the meat is ALREADY FROZEN. All it should require is a good butcher with a chainsaw and voila – ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre style, the beef is ready to go. Flash frozen ‘on the hoof’, as it were.

2.    Texas Chainsaw Competition. Dig out a few egg timers and invite the most manly of men to compete in a ‘How Long It Takes To Chainsaw A Frozen Cow’ competition. Winner takes half (of the cow).

3.    Cow Tippin’ for Teens. Gather the town’s errant teens and see how long it takes ‘em to tip 1,000 frozen pounds of cow. Can be a prelude to #s 1 and 2.

Further reading uncovered the little-known fact that “blowing up animals in remote areas is a surprisingly common tool of forest rangery.” I had no idea explosives were so popular in the forest management world: no wonder many a man dreams of joining the U.S. Forest Service! (Ya can’t do THAT in most government office buildings – not and get retirement bennies, anyway.)

I sure hope they’ve consulted their liability agent about this ongoing practice, though.

Mythbusters recently conducted an experiment involving how far a cannonball travels when fired. To their surprise, the cannonball literally fled the safety course, flew 700 yards into a neighborhood, ripped through the front door of a home, raced UPSTAIRS, blasted through a bedroom, exited the house, crossed a six-lane road, and took out a minivan parked on the street  – all with the finesse of a computer-guided missile.

Can you imagine if that cannonball was an exploded cow?

And can you picture the confusion of an Allstate Insurance agent upon reading the homeowner’s claim submission?

Cause of Accident: Cow. Frozen.

Place of Accident:  Home.

Description: Forestry Service-exploded cow ripped out the front door, tore down the hallway, took out the kitchen, exacted destructive revenge upon our (beef-filled) freezer, then exited out the back door. Family minivan now sports head and horns imbedded in the front radiator, rending family car either useless or an Art Car (you choose).

Estimated Damage Amount: $50K. Excluding salvageable beef.

A friend riddled me on why I thought the government was so interested in exploding the cows versus some less exciting method of disposal.

Careful thinking produced the theory that since MOST federal offices are dominated by men, and men are notorious for enjoying explosions, that ergo the obvious solution to ANY frozen difficulties (of necessity) involves nitro, dynamite, and the glory of watching things go ‘boom’.

Would I steer you wrong?


Hamburger, anyone? It’s on ‘special’, today….

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