Don’t get me wrong: I love my house in the country. Its 1500 square feet of maintenance includes the obstinately whimsical (but lately good – now that it’s getting warmer) Mr. Furnace, the Miracle Roof that miraculously develops then heals leaks all before the repairperson gets here, an outdoor pond containing a black hole that swallows common goldfish then regurgitates an unholy combination of goy and koi fish, and much more.

That’s why when The Peanut Gallery pointed out the article about the now-available Jamesburg Earth Station, which comes complete with the ultimate Man TV – a 97-foot satellite dish – I actually entertained the thought of Alternative Housing. After all, the Station is built to survive a nuclear attack and its décor is timeless: cinder block walls lined with vintage Cold War atomic bomb images. How cozy. And unlike a fireplace, you don’t even have to play with it to feel the heat.

 However, I decided that, emotionally speaking, I am more the Hobbit type of homeowner – and will leave Jamesburg to The Other.

My ‘ideal house’ today would be about 500 square feet. Max. Its thatched roof would be easily fixed at any time – by simply tossing more thatch atop. Its limited square footage would not only mean far less maintenance, but would of necessity limit my proclivity to acquire Strange Stuffed Animals, animal purses, and unique taxidermy animals captured in zany poses and wearing human clothing .

Sectioned window panes would display Slices of Life without actually shoving the entire outdoors into my face (‘cause the reason you HAVE an indoors is – you don’t wish to be outdoors at that moment, right?). A hammock in the back for outdoors sleeping.

A cute rounded wooden door would feature a round openable window portal much as one would find on a boat.

Speaking of ‘boats’ – my Hobbit House would have its own mini-dock on a body of water with a canoe, kayak or small sailboat ready to go.

I queried Bill on such dreams, who mentioned his ongoing passion for “something much larger” than we have now.

Fine.

He can have The Jamesburg Earth Station. It’s on the market, it’s 21,000 square feet of comfort, and its price tag is only a reasonable $3 million. Comes with a satellite dish that can watch ANY SHOW ON THE PLANET.

‘Cept for the glaring ‘caution – high voltage’ signs, it’ll be the best Man Cave ever.

Me: a cuppa Earl Grey in my Hobbit House with the best of my Stuffheads surrounding me, and I am HOME.

Crumpets, anyone?

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