Quantum mechanics postulates the presence of Other Dimensions and even some of their properties; but there’s one glaring omission in the equation … any discussion of The Sock Dimension.

SockWorld. It’s like Waterworld, only smellier.


artsy_T / Foter


Proving the existence of SockWorld is in fact a LOT easier task than for any of the other dimensions – or even quantum physics – combined. It has a material presence in our dimension vis a vis what some call The Dryer (…Others in our house call it the Gate to SockWorld).

The centrifugal force of the spinning Dryer at just the right gees opens the Gate to SockWorld, through which none may pass but SOCKS.

Since none but SOCKS have passed into SockWorld, it’s impossible to extrapolate its actual physical features. Perhaps Socks DO Grow on Trees (an early query posited by my Mother). Perhaps they CAN change colors – a possibility presented by the physical presence of different-colored socks in the Dryer than one had originally placed there.

So, how does SockWorld work? My research has successfully identified all known qualities of SockWorld and the formerly-secret Traveling Sock Society that crosses space and time with nary a care in the – uh – worlds.

1.    The spinning Dryer opens the Gate to SockWorld, and selected socks are allowed entry. (There IS a load limit, so not ALL socks in a given Load will be granted entrance to SockWorld.)

2.    Once there, said Socks Do What Socks Do Best. Perhaps there is some foot-watching at the local SockWorld Spa. Perhaps there is MADR (Mutually Assured Detergent Rinses). Some socks likely join the Darning Club where they either repair or create holes in anticipation of their return to Our Dimension. For recreation, nothing beats a Sock Marathon. The mysterious compelling lure of the Sock Monkey has even crossed dimensions into our world. Who knows all the possibilities? It’s a Sock’s World, after all.

3.    When Socks tire of their holiday they re-enter the Dryer Portal to return to our dimension. Admittedly, occasional glitches in the Dryer – likely electrical – can send Socks astray into other Dryer Portals than their places of origin, resulting in the dreaded Sock Mismatch.

4.    If Socks decide to stay (which IS an option in SockWorld), they are REQUIRED to send a few coins back through DryerGate in exchange for vacating our dimension entirely (…SOMEBODY has to update them on the price, though: those constant .01 and .05 tips WON’T actually replace them in today’s economy! But then – nobody has ever identified a Sock as being fiscally savvy in the financial planning department…sadly, it appears that they JUST DON’T CARE…)

5.    A Sock may opt to send back a Substitute Sock in lieu of actual cash payment. Be forewarned that Socks are terrible in the Colors and Shapes Department (obviously they never made it out of Sock Kindergarten.) So the white crew Sock you lost last week to SockWorld may mysteriously be replaced with a purple girls’ Bobby Sock. There is NO prejudice in SockWorld: to them, all socks are equal.

6.    Static is a Dryer’s best friend. Socks that pass between Worlds will come back with enough pent-up electrical energy to make your toe hair stand straight up. Be forewarned and DON’T touch your computer immediately after donning a sock that has visited SockWorld!

So there you have it. Having properly postulated the existence of SockWorld, identified the Dryer as the Portal, extrapolated a bit on the possible properties of SockWorld, and explained the seeming incongruity involved in “what goes in the Dryer isn’t what’s coming out”, I rest my Unified Theory of Socks case – and anticipate a Nobel Prize for 2012.

Just email it to me care of: www.sockworld.com, please.

Yeah, right. It’s not ‘in your dreams’ – it’s actually ‘In another dimension…’

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