Inconvenient Conveniences

March 27, 2012

‘Conveniences’ for modern man (in this case, also woman) abound in our lives and yet there’s nothing more unheralded than the ability of said ‘conveniences’ to actually absorb blame for human effort gone awry.

I’ve been musing on some of the ‘blame absorbing’ qualities of some of our household appliances, to wit:

1.    The Dryer. A terrible Siamese Twin of The Washer, the Dryer holds a secret superpower: the ability to shrink clothes. It’s a selective ability, mind you. The towels and pillowcases nearly always stay the same size no matter how much you wash ‘em. No, I’m talking about certain articles of personal clothing. The Dryer is always first to be accused around here, anyway. Example:

The Peanut Gallery: There’s something wrong with The Dryer

Me: Everything SEEMS to be getting dry.

Bill: Yeah, but ALL MY CLOTHES are tight.

Me: Yeah, mine too.

Both: It’s OBVIOUSLY BROKEN.

Me: DEFINITELY.

Two sets of brilliant minds contemplated Other Realities before duly settling on the obvious: Yeah, it’s The Dryer’s Fault.

We’re NOT growing out of our clothes. THAT possibility was only considered for like 5 seconds before being dismissed as “impossible”.

In a fit of sadistic pleasure The Dryer has taken to SHRINKING them and in an insidious manner it does it a little at a time. So we won’t notice right away.

2.    The Phone via Volume Control Craziness. In cahoots with the TV, The Phone has decided to ‘soften’ its volume the older we get. It’s OBVIOUSLY a volume issue – NOT us. (We can hear JUST FINE.) Eh?

3.    Mr. Stove. The more we age, the more evident it is that Mr. Stove is trying to do us in. The burners have taken to turning themselves on after cooking ceases (at least, for Bill they do!). The oven waits to light until one sticks one’s head in, wondering at the lack of preheat, then with a satisfying BOOM it attempts to see if a head can actually be blown across the kitchen from its initial kneeling position. For the record: if you find my carcass anywhere near the kitchen – it wasn’t suicide. It was MURDER. Cuff Mr. Stove and haul ‘em in for questioning….

4.    The TV. It’s probably ‘just me’ (or maybe even ‘just us’); but isn’t it purposeful that the TV volume is absolutely perfect when you’re sitting there for hours absorbing a show; but the second you’re off in the kitchen with a handful of hot, the commercials begin blaring at a decibel that rocks the walls?

Oh yeah. The appliances are collaborating on various murder attempts. Just ask my psychiatrist…

So if anyone wonders why the master breaker switch is thrown as part of our nighttime ritual – chalk it up to a bit of revenge.

There’s no sizzle if there’s no juice, if you catch my drift.

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