Disclaimer and Notice of Non-Liability:

Be assured, my religious friends, that I am NOT mocking your spirituality or beliefs with this treatise.

I am merely providing a history of Commercial Easter and a discourse on the holiday’s personal impact on my formative years. It in NO WAY is designed to diminish your perception or experience of Biblical Easter. If you believe you will be offended by an alternative take, rate this Blog ‘R’ (for Wabbit) and read no further…..

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(….disclaimers are important. Anyone can sue anyone over ‘pain and suffering’ and I certainly wouldn’t want my blog to cause any untoward reflection or distress on a reader’s part.)

OK, back to my elementary school essay, which at an early grade announced my future career as an Insolent Writer. Mom’s nipping efforts were useless around Easter time because my sassy creative buds were blossoming faster than she could clip them back, fueled by a media blitz-induced sugar rush of candy, bunnies, and eggs. And Spring Fever.

So my early perceptions of Easter consisted of the following historical timeline (contained in a 1st grade oral report; later to be put to pen when I actually was Taught How to Write. Or print, as the case remains.) In a manner admittedly insolently-advanced for my age, I decided to diagram the entire timeline, checking for accuracy as I hopped along.

Diane’s Timeline of Easter:

An ‘A’ Award-Winning Report

. Easter began in the Middle Ages when a talented bunny was found pooping out a chocolate egg. The richer neighbor may have owned The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg, but Clyde the Wabbit Keeper’s version was FAR more popular among the young, who took to bringing baskets over to Clyde’s (because let’s face it: rabbits poop a LOT, so there was a LOT of chocolate eggery to be had for the asking; and if you brought your own basket, you could snag literally TONS of delicious chocolate eggs!)

. Around this time Winston Hallmark was nosing around the barnyards of the poor looking for commercial opportunities (Ed. note: rich people always troll for uncopyrighted ideas lying about) and viewed a lineup of small children holding baskets over at Clyde’s Wabbit Werks. Curious, he observed ever-increasing lines over the next few days and realized that the Spring Rut was in full season and Easter (the talented bunny we’re profiling) was producing an extraordinary amount of poop in an effort to Impress the Ladies of the potential strengths of other activities that come from nearby orifices (Editor: THAT never works. Any savvy Lady knows there is NO connection between the two….)

. Ever the entrepreneur, Winston established a storefront next to Ye Olde Pub (location, location, location!), contracted with Clyde’s Wabbit Werks, and began displaying baskets of chocolate eggs. He already was into cards, so it was a neat transition to put an image of bunny holding a basket onto one. And he was already into slave labor, being a rich entrepreneur of the Middle Ages; so engaging young help to illustrate said cards in bulk placed him only a cottontail’s shake away from success. And April was the perfect month for establishing a party atmosphere: by then EVERYONE was sick of winter, sufficiently recovered from New Year’s Revelries, and just ITCHING for something different.

. Over the years Hallmark grew, Easter dutifully reproduced (…a LOT), and his egg-making prowess translated to commercial farms of egg-laying rabbits which were kept hidden from the General Public (because everyone knows if you disclose the source of your magic, it’s not magic anymore. And everyone KNOWS Easter is all about magic.)

. And THIS is the true meaning of Easter. To sum up: a talented chocolate-egg-laying bunny, an entrepreneurial decision that would rock Winston Hallmark’s small business into the commercial giant it is today, and a series of (hidden) Egg Werks expansions overseen by Clyde the 100th, in keeping with generations of expertise with Easter and his (many) talented descendants.

*                                     *                                           *    

As usual, my assessment of the holiday was greeted with cheers from my peers and a dubious ‘B+’ grade from Teacher, who apparently had quite a different view of The Meaning of Easter. (That was FINE to my mind: after all, we live in America, land of freedom. She could believe whatever she wished about the matter. And … SO COULD I.)

My classmate Suzy Smartass presented HER version which had the opposite effect: a roomful of snoozing kids and an ‘A’ from the teacher, which I duly protested. After all, nobody could claim to have been ‘there at the time’ – so my version was every bit as good a conjecture as HERS. Perhaps even better. Obviously, less fantasy was employed in MY version, which tended to skirt the hemline of historical fact.

But if Teacher wished a Resurrection to be included in Diane’s Timeline, I offered (…still pimpin’ for my ‘A’) to include a note on Easter’s unfortunate demise (buried in a mountain’s sudden avalanche of chocolate pooped eggs) and the rush by the village’s small enslaved children to rescue him through courageous and selfless consumption of aforementioned chocolate eggs. Only to have Winston Hallmark emerge days later with a replica of Easter on every basket in his shop (… thus the Resurrection piece).

Teacher summarily rejected my rewrite. The B+ stood, much to my chagrin.

I think she was ‘Eastered out’ by the end of the oral report session but I like to think she actually was inspired, because on the Friday Before The Day (…aptly named ‘Good Friday’ ‘cause everyone got out of everything EARLY) we each found an appropriately religious symbol of the Resurrection on our desks.

A small basket containing (secular) chocolate eggs.

I rest my case.

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