…most people wouldn’t place ‘Flu epidemic’ and ‘Thanksgiving’ in the same historical review unless personally hit with both simultaneously; but allow me to make the case for a simply undeniable connection between the two which has its roots in that much-overdone event (in my book): The Mayflower’s landing and the subsequent eruption of Pilgrims on the virgin back of North America.

Picture the Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock. Do you think the Native Americans viewed this event with delight? I say “not”: indeed, as soon as the first white wet stockinged foot hit that rock, said Natives were more likely muttering: “Ah s**t, there goes the neighborhood.”                

And were busily hatching plots to take care of the white scourge. I mean, face it: the ‘peaceful’ Natives were already busily sacking their neighbors: who needed an extra invader (and color scheme) complicating the mix?

I believe the greatest genocide plot of all has its roots in a truly American tradition: Thanksgiving.

I present the following supportive algebraic formulas:

    F = T1+T2

Where ‘F’ is Flu and T1 = Thanksgiving and T2 = Turkey.


                                                          G = F + T1 + T2.

‘G’ being, of course, ‘genocide’.

Now, the Natives were no dummies. Swine flu had been around like forever. It doesn’t take much extrapolation to consider that a dead bird, especially one stuffed with – well, stuffing – heated to the proper temp is a virtual INCUBATOR of pestilence.

The problem was: how to present it so the Pilgrims would consider death a fine dining experience. Even a joyous occasion. It’s not hard to postulate that if you take a bomb and wrap it in Hello Kitty Giftwrap, the unwitting recipient will go to their doom anticipating delight.

Thus was ‘Thanksgiving’ born: with a Native plot tinged by Pilgrim willingness to believe in a comfy friendly union between Alien Invader and Little Red Man. Whilst the Natives were chuckling over the turkey bomb about to be dropped on the American dinner table.

Little did they know that a centuries-old tradition was being born.

The swine-flu laden bird did not in actuality kill everyone (and in those days ‘germs’ hadn’t even been postulated), so nobody drew the obvious correlation between Thanksgiving Dinner and the Pilgrim-decimating flu that occurred a week or so later as the bird incubated in the bellies of The White Scourge. Indeed, survivors recalled with fondness their own personal Last Supper – the last time anyone actually was happy about the whole New World situation – and vowed to make ‘Thanksgiving for Being Alive’ (shortened to simply ‘Thanksgiving’) an annual holiday even as the Natives chuckled in the background.

A few DID recognize the truth. And that little matter of the gift Cholera Blankets (the Hello Kitty Giftwrap of early days)? That was DEFINITELY a “tit for tat” by a too-savvy physician who discerned the truth even as unbelievers protested the homespun innocence of Thanksgiving.

And so we come to today’s annual celebration, known as ‘Thanksgiving’ for some and ‘The Start of Flu Season’ for others.

Oh sure: I readily knowledge that said start of flu season is generally (ignorantly) attributed to cross-country travelers and modern planes with their recycled air.

But soft: just think of how many turkeys grace virtually every American dinner table in late November: all stuffed with an incubation chamber content we affectionately and literately call ‘stuffing’ and then gently roasted for hours in a moderate temperature undoubtedly a swine flu virus adores.

My direct (Pulitzer-prize-winning: feel free to be the first to nominate moi) correlation thus lies in the fact that the week thereafter always heralds the traditional start of “flu season”. (Which sounds a WHOLE lot better than “I ate 2 much turkey and am dying season”.)

I rest my case.

And the Natives are STILL chuckling….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *