When your electronics go awry simultaneously (…and I remain convinced of my Inanimate Objects Conspiracy Theory. Kind of like String Theory only more evil.) and Tech Support answers with a suspiciously-Indian accent despite their cheery generic American-sounding names (“Hello, I am ___ [ Beth, David, Beel, John]”), go right ahead: make Lemons from Lemonade.

As one Tekky (or, is it ‘Trekkie’?) told me this morning:  “It’s not a problem, it’s a FEATURE.”*

In other words, what seems like crisis and adversity can just as easily be scribbled into the ‘positive experiences’ side of your Flowchart of Life. All it takes is a little perspective on the matter.

1. Take my old cell phone, for example (PLEASE…!). “Intermittent ring-through issues” may SOUND like a ‘problem’ to you – but according to India, it’s actually a built-in FEATURE. Annoyed by the constant chime of your cell but too lazy (…a.k.a.: ‘preoccupied’) to remember to place it on ‘vibrate’? THIS phone FEATURES a “ring-through silencer” using a ‘smart service” that sends EVERYONE to your voicemail when it senses you are OVERWHELMED. (Here’s a phone that’s not only smart – it’s SASSY.)

2. Furnace. “Intermittent’ remains the buzzword here because Mr. Furnace (Diane’s Note: Obstinate appliances are ALWAYS male) takes special joy in NOT coming on when it’s coldest. (I mean, really – when ELSE would you use your furnace: in the summertime when it’s 85 in the garage?). But, it’s not a PROBLEM – it’s a FEATURE. Reminding you that you shoulda stayed in bed on those coldest of mornings, and what the heck were you doing arising before 10AM anyway? AND, pneumonia IS a handy excuse for taking the rest of the month off too.

3. Microwave. Just to keep you on your toes on those COLD mornings when NOBODY HAS CALLED and you’re trying to heat your first cuppa, Mr. Microwave decides to simply NOT RESPOND to his ‘start’  button. Perhaps he’s tired of providing ‘on demand’ services to the unappreciative but again – it’s not a PROBLEM, it’s a FEATURE. He’s there to remind you that Life doesn’t necessarily spring to – well, life – at the sleepy press of ‘start’, but is there to be savored SLOWLY. Which often means just going back to bed for a few hours. See #2.

4. Doorbell. Ours runs on batteries. Which operate at maximum efficiency ONLY when nobody is actually at the door. Anticipate a visitor and voila – NO CHIMES. But, it’s not a PROBLEM – it’s a FEATURE. One which worked amazingly well at a recent surprise party for Moi when the first attendees were a leetle early, were spotted by Bill (a.k.a. the Surpriser) as they futilely tried to get Mr. Doorbell to announce their presence, and were summarily personally escorted/snuck into the living room by said Mr. Bill for a real surprise that would’ve been thwarted had Mr. Doorbell actually worked (i.e.: the Doorbell Snafu allowed Bill time to send Diane to her room in a pre-emptive surprise party strike.)

5. Computer. Oh I know: technospeak would have it that your computer runs on chips (…much the way Diane does! Fritos, anyone?), electricity, and a spark of magic (well, my conviction, anyways); but in actuality Mr. Computer has OCD concerning hygiene, requires regular ‘cleaning’ , and actually displays the too-human qualities of insolence, obstinacy, stubbornness, and laziness if he’s ignored. But, it’s not a PROBLEM, it’s a FEATURE. I mean really: who needs ‘constant connection’ anyway?

It’s winter: Hibernation Time anyway in my book. (We can all take a lesson from the bearz….)

So just go back to sleep with the assured knowledge that thanks to the collaborative efforts of Mr. Computer, Mr. Cell and Mr. Doorbell, your sleep will NOT be interrupted by the (annoying) outside world anytime soon. Thanks to Mr Furnace, it’ll be warmer in bed anywayz. And thanks to Mr. Microwave, that instant cuppa won’t reward your early arising anytime soon …. so enjoy your sleep!


*Thanx & credit to my bff Beni for the phrase! Portent pending, youall…

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