I had long thought (musing upon the potentials of alien invasion plots likely in the works) that several major holidays would likely be prime candidates for a full-force Alien Invasion. Namely: Christmas, New Years Day and Thanksgiving Day.

But today I’d like to revise that list and replace the leading contender with Superbowl Sunday.

By far, it’s the EMPTIEST Outdoors Day of the American Year.

The following, for Alien Convenience, is a Countdown of Events:


.It’s Do NOT Invade Day! It’s the perfect day for reviewing and revising your Invasion Plans. Amongst the human male population you can observe MUCH increased agitation – much in the way a hive of bees, sensing change, will buzz about frantically. Or a hill of ants, sensing RAID, will head for the kitchen. There IS a Disturbance in the Force; and it is testosterone-based.

.Man Cave Restock Day. Along with said heightened anxiety, observe heightened sales of anything marked Big Screen, Giant-Size, King-Size, Super-Size, etc. Note to Aliens: invading the Man Cave requires Exceptional Bravery!

Sunday (a.k.a. ‘D Day’):

. Man Cave Catering Day:  Wives who decide to Cater the Man Cave are admonished to Serve and Shut Up. Those who won’t can plan on a GREAT female bonding day with fellow shoppers, as the usual Waiting Benches will be FREE of Grinches, Curmudgeons, or male companions sharing notes on the woes of shopping with their wimmen (there to assume pack animal duties despite the protests of bad backs, bad feetz, or too much beer consumption during pre-Superbowl festivities.)

. Yea! It’s Pizza Parlor Feeding Frenzy Day. But only in the Home Delivery Department. The rest of the shop has CLOSED. Those without Big Screens, anywayz.

. Stores that haven’t adequately stocked up on Chips, Dips, or Budweiser can expect to experience a Man-Sized Revolution in the aisles. Much like Critical Mass, this Revolt will make untoward, impossible demands for restocking absent sustenance items such as above. (If action is not imminent, said store can expect a run on guns and ammo over in Sporting Goods…)

. When the Big Game starts at 3-4ish – NOW is the time to invade! (Aliens, keep close eyeballs on the televised time and remember to Observe the Time Zones. There is nothing worse than staging an invasion on East Coast time, only to find that the West Coast is still out stockingup the Man Cave with goodies – and fairly sure to spot your low-lying Saucer Fleet. This IS a dangerous time ‘cause remember: the Guns and Ammo Department is just across from Beer and Chips on Aisle 3. And NOBODY fucks with Superbowl Sunday! Not even Aliens.)

. If the goal is to masquerade as a human or sneak into an actual Man Cave, be advised the Pizza Delivery Boy offers an opportunity to form the first line of invasion. Such individuals are allowed unfettered access to every home in America on Superbowl Sunday. Many males have even disabled the doorbell completely and instilled an ‘open door policy’ to make the incoming pizzas a smooth transition between curbside and in-home. (And believe me, NO male in front of a big screen on SS (SuperbowlSunday) will even notice that the Pizza Boy now harbors 4 eyes and the pizza box is being juggled by tentacles…)

. As Pizza Boy, your duty is to be the Bottomless Pit of Pizzas. Supplying the Man Cave during SS is as good as a frontal assault: you can take out the troops surrounding the Man Cave at any point before and then again after Half Time.

. Keep in mind: the Ladiez have Gone Shopping (the smart ones. The Catering Wives are blitzing in the 2nd bathroom catchin’ a break in the only room in the house not replete with screams and swearing). The Department Store end of the Invasion Forces need to wait until later.

Just a tip: if you politely wait until Game’s Over, you can EASILY invade. The defending manfolk are dead drunk and voiceless from the screaming and the women long ago barricaded the bathroom door in self-defense and are conducting a bonding session vis-à-vis the Pregnancy Test Boxes uncovered in the cabinet from decades ago. (Or maybe it’s research to prove/disprove the query: is there a shelf live to Pregnancy Test Boxes, affecting results?)

SOOO – have fun with your Alien Invasion Plans. Play a little. There will be NOBODY LEFT GUARDING THE PLANET.

Such is the Power of Pong.

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