Animal Gym

February 7, 2012

Cats don’t need to exercise the same way humans do…or, so they say. But after the Holidays who is to say humans have dibs on ‘overweight’? Consider how many goodies were slipped under the table to Fido or stolen by Miss Kitty and then eyeball these sizeable sleepers and you catch my drift….

So I have invented Animal Gym. Like Animal House, only more athletic. (Initial membership shall be limited to cats, since other potential animal participants could be summarily consumed – which is BAD publicity all around….)           

I set forth some possible inventions for my Animal Gym for those with either overseas manufacturing access or personal desire:


 — exercises the abs, pecs, and sharpens the claws by allowing cats to leap, sink in claws, and travel upward at the speed of light before releasing to the next tread. GOOD training for the ‘drop onto your head from above’ move.

Howlcyon Chamber II

— Satisfies the cat who is convinced his inner howl doesn’t earn nearly enough attention from his Servants. (Secretly hidden within the walls of the echo-y Howlcyon Chamber is 26 inches of Howl Suppression Padding so said Servants can sleep even in the next room while Miss Kitty expresses her ongoing displeasure at decibels satisfying to only her.)


–Cat cousin to the human ‘treadmill’, the Slinkmill XII is for the ‘huntmaster’ kitty who wants to exercise on the prowl. Slink, stop, slink, stop: help that fatcat burn calories even though the gopher target remains JUST ON THE HORIZON on our (patented) Slinkmill XII.

Having developed a few cat-specific machines, we come to the major crux of any commercial venture: marketing.

(Oh, not to the Servants: these can be convinced to buy virtually anything. No, I mean marketing to the Animal Exerciser himself.)

First, there’s Ambiance. Since I’m creating a Cats-Only Gym we can pretty safely say my catnip trees and bushes are guaranteed be a ‘hit’. Literally….

Next, consider Incentive. Now, the last health club I visited posted The Food Network above our treadmills. Then they posted (on the treadmill alongside the stats so you just couldn’t help but notice) a list of the average calories in the average diet: i.e.: chocolate cake, hamburger, shakes, etc. All one had to do was look down and do the math to realize one would have to jog 4 hours at a daunting rate of speed to work off a simple McMeal. It was enough to make SALADS (a.k.a. Rabbit Food) look GOOD.

Cats are different. Rather than threats, you have to place the food as a possible end result of an exercise endeavor. Food choices include: mice, voles, gophers, catnip, and Anything With Gravy. Anything that can be ‘hung and swung’ is a winner. Perhaps some minor dripping will be involved – but ohwell. What works, works out.

Oh wait … he’s SLEEPING?

It’s ok. Animal Gym DOES keep Nocturnal Hours…

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