…in my opinion our current yearly calendar is very spotty (and boring) on what it selects to feature as Major Holidays. Stingy, too.
SOOO – I have decided to ReWrite the Calendar, substituting Diane’s Own Calendar of Momentous Events. And lest you think I took poetic license in making these up, be advised: these are all ACTUAL HOLIDAYS and can be confirmed via internet research. I lieth not.
As with today’s (boring) calendar version, these dates are to be celebrated with parties and generously paid time-off holidays. Additionally, if they fall on a Friday, Monday, Thursday or Tuesday, additional PAID days off should be added in to properly be able to celebrate (or, for some, to recover from the inevitable partying results.) Of course, dates which fall on Saturday or Sunday should be compensated by having the preceding Friday AND the following Monday off.
Feel free to reproduce Diane’s Calendar of Irrefutable Spring Howlidaze and distribute it to your CEO, VP of HR, and any others in charge of Company Morale, Entertainment, and Yearly Events.
JANUARY. (Ordinarily a Bleak Month in the dead of winter, so I have allocated more than the usual number of days off for any given January.)
1st – Mummer’s Parade. The oldest folk festival in the US, traditionally held New Year’s Day in Pennsylvania. Strange costumes and masquerades as well as strange music abound. From the folks (likely) who brought you Groundhog Day (same state, anyhowz).
8th – Bubble Bath Day. Self-explanatory. Get thee to the tub!
13th – Rubber Ducky Day. (I am SOO appalled I have missed out this celebration for this year! AND it is on my birthday – which strangely enough, IS appropriate and actually explains a LOT….)
16th – Appreciate a Dragon Day. Alas, no living examples – so we have to make do with extrapolation and fantasy.
18th – Winnie the Pooh Day. No Eeyores allowed!
23rd – Chinese New Year’s AND National Pie Day. (I advise: hit the Chinese restaurant first, shop in Chinatown, then hit the local Pie Shop … or hold a Pie Bake Party at home.)
28th – National Kazoo Day. (….and frighteningly, I actually own enough kazoos for an entire party. Some who have known us long enough may recall Diane’s Great Kazoo Orchestra Competition and the Grand Prize of ‘Kazoo Froggy’, won by one Dixon who pulled off a memorable Hendrix Kazoo Solo.)
2nd (*note: date changes Yearly) – Groundhog Day AND Candlemas. At the very least a party should be considered: one where hibernation isn’t an option. Suggested entertainment: Shadow Plays, a Black Light Poster display in the bathroom, fostering guinea pigs for the week (about as close as most of us will get to The Groundhog Himself), filling your house with pots of Spring Flowers. Candlemas is all about celebration and rejuvenation. (I think popping out of your hole to nibble on Spring crocus fits nicely, don’t you?). Some people also apparently celebrate Marmot Day and Hedgehog Day on the 2nd – so take your pick. Note how GH Day folds neatly into:
5th: World Nutella Day. For those in The Know, Nutella is a sinfully delicious blend of Hazlenut and Chocolate. And The Day deserves celebration by trolling recipes from the Nutella Website and making sure Nutella is included in every meal of the day. http://www.nutelladay.com/nutella-recipes/
14th – Ferris Wheel Day. So while the ordinary world moons over hearts, roses and higher-priced crowded restaurants, you can take your love for a Ferris Wheel romantic ride. (Unless you’re The Peanut Gallery, who throws up on ‘em….) To the stars, Alice!
17th – Feast of Ovens Day. Mom might disagree about its adage (“…the Oven is the Mother”), but I’m planning on giving the Dutch, the Clay Pot and the Oven Oven some ritual massage on that day.
28th – National Tooth Fairy Day. I plan to show both appreciation and honor her retirement in my life by giving her a break and keeping all my teeth in my head.
30th – Festival of Peace. Whilst likely the originators had more universal aims in mind, I kinda figure ‘peace begins at home’. So this is the day you agree with your spouse to Not Fight. This broad definition incorporates: snarkiness, muttered asides, innuendos, and double meanings. After all – out-and-out battle often begins over something small. Like butter.
1st – Pig Day. (Well I suppose some cultures might disagree … but in our house, The Pig is King. So to speak.)
3rd – Doll Festival (Japanese). I may prefer stuffed animals myself, but I do have some odd dolls hiding in the back of the closet. Time to air ‘em out and share ‘em!
2-4 – Festival of Owls Week. Since Owl is my Totem, I am SO on this one! You should be too – if you give a hoot, that is.
8th – Purim. Seems to revolve around fruit-filled cookies and a brave Queen, its spiritually is about women’s power over men’s violence… but in actuality I happened to be at a Jewish elementary school for the Purim festivities and thought I was having some kinda drug experience when I observed kids dressed as Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers and a host of other Halloween-type oddities doing LINE DANCING to country music in the playground, closely attended by giggling adults. (….some things you don’t even wanna ASK about.) Perhaps too closely followed by:
9th – Barbie Day. Pretty frightening, eh?
13th – Donald Duck Day. Go quackers.
15th – Ides of March. All I can say is….beware…
17th – Campfire Girls Day. Anyone who knows me knows of the RIPOFF I experienced with a year of selling Campfire Girls Cookies and no campouts. (Conversely, no bearz. More, later.)
29th – Mule Day. If you’re like me and usually feel a little stubborn – it’s YOUR DAY TO SHINE.
1st – April Fools Day. Any who don’t recognize this key celebration for what it is, is a FOOL.
3rd – Pony Express Day. Since stagecoach rentals are in decline these days, I’m gonna opt for the pony I always wanted (and never got. Mom.)
12th – Day of Silence. Shut up for an ENTIRE DAY? I think not. (On the other hand, it could be a refreshing change around da house … if EVERYONE participated equally.)
17th – Bat Appreciation Day. As BIG and LONGTIME (…before they were popular!) fans of bats, I totally endorse this day. Those who celebrate with the bats – are guaranteed No Mosquitoes.
27th – Arbor Day. Last week, pre-preparatory celebrations were already in progress. I saw a gopher carrying a fig tree past my window….
28th – Penguin Day. (I want to change that to Bring Your Penguin to Work Day – but only for those who work in corporate environments. The rest of us who work outta the house can simply appreciate our penguins at home.)
30th – Beltain. Festival of Witches. And sexuality. Those who no longer imbibe in the latter can cheer on those who do. Or, invest in a spell.
1st – May Day. Beltane runs into it headlong. I think there is dancing involved. I’m not sure. I know there was a May Pole. Modern sentiments could translate this entire celebration to Pole Dancing. Which I am also fairly sure is not the exact mirror of ancient sentiment.
2nd-3rd – Fire Festival of Bona Dea. If like me you have never: built a bonfire, danced around a bonfire, SEEN a bonfire closeup – it’s TIME. It’s said if you leap over a bonfire, make a wish and it will come true. (…I might add: be sure you are a GOOD JUMPER.)
10th – Windmill Day. It’s time to ask ThePeanut Gallery about the time I dragged his ass to Canada to stay in one. Somebody was thrilled (…hint: it wasn’t The Peanut Gallery!)
14th – National Chicken Dance Day. If this falls on a workday – you are GOLDEN. Tell your CEO you WILL come to work on this sacred holiday IF there is a lunchtime Chicken Dance performance by Himself (or Herself, as the case may be). Otherwise, you’re staying home and eatin’ chicken!
15th – Rain Dance Night. Only to be celebrated on personal property with a few acres between the neighbors or you may get Police Involvement in the festivities.
18th – Bats Day. Now, I am puzzled. We celebrated Bats already, no? Or do they mean Baseball? Or do we like bats so much we get TWO Bat Days? (I opt for the latter, myself)
25th – Geek Pride Day. (SOMEBODY confused this with Gay Pride Day and got decked out in flamboyant colors to parade, only to find a buncha scientists with glasses playing chess out on the lawn in San Francisco. DUH!)
29th – Corn Mother Festival. I love corn. I love my mother. Stands to reason I’ll love this festival!
30th – Loomis Day. NOT looms, ladies. Or loofas. LOOMIS. There IS a difference….