Cosign Similarity

January 20, 2012

Believing in the improbable as I do, I was very excited to stumble upon a series of mathematical equations in high school that introduced me to the direct correlations between trig and calculus and Solving the Mysteries of My World.

Now, according to my teacher, Mrs. Masterman, aforementioned maths were NOT applicable to the uses I put them to. BUT – since they offered NO useful counter-explanations for their applications – I rested my case and moved forward. My math classes appeared designed to Give Diane a Nervous Breakdown, neatly thwarted by my insistence on Applied Math rather than formula memorization.

(where ‘A’ is the Great Furnace Rebellion,

‘C’ is the Computer Revirus, and

‘B’ is Diane’s Nervous Breakdown)

In the last two days I have experienced more ‘cosine similiarity’* right here in my own home. AND it cannot be adequately explained away by Mere Coincidence. (For those of you ‘math disinclined’: Cosine similarity is a measure of similarity between two vectors by measuring the cosine of the angle between them. The cosine of the angle between two vectors thus determines whether two vectors are pointing in roughly the same direction.)

First, let’s make an obvious Statement of Fact:

The can openers and the coat hangers ARE in fact mating somewhere in the bowels of the closet. The proof of the pudding:

. Last month I had 1 can openers and 30 spare coathangers.

. By month’s end I had NO can openers and only 10 spare coathangers (no extra clothes purchases or appearances could explain away the complete vanishing of empty coathangers, either. Mice were considered as a possibility but the relative heavy can opener was dismissed as an object of their affections).

. Last week 3 can openers appeared overnite in the kitchen. I have absolutely NO memory of the other two.

. At the same time, 50 spare coathangers appeared in the closet.

(I carefully spread some $50s around the house hoping some of the inspiration would leak through and was quite excited when one vanished until The Peanut Gallery confessed to a Midnight Raid. The others remained stationary and nothing else vanished or increased.)

Moving handily into Cosine Similarity territory, we see that my constantly-recurring computer virus (which popped up for the second time yesterday despite firewalls, antivirus, and good computing habits) has apparently pointed the furnace back into the angle of Constantly Fucking Up (CFU – not to be confused with CPU).

In short: Cosine Similarity in my house is NOT just a math formula, but Applied Disaster.

The Furnace and the Computer are in cahoots, their two vectors pointing in the same direction:

To Give Diane a Nervous Breakdown.

And, it is WORKING.

Thank you, Mrs. Masterman. I HAVE mastered calculus. Applied it. And am more than ready to Move On.

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