Pity the Poor Golden Gate

January 12, 2012

A not-so-secret fetish of mine is watching disaster movies. Ones without gore and blood but plenty of: exploding buildings, adverse planetary interactions, mega-quakes and more. Somehow I come away from the show smiling, reveling in the lovely day and the comparative un-urgency of any concerns I had when I began my movie. I mean gee: compared to the entire planet biting the dust in the epic production ‘2012’ [except for the usual handful of survivors, of course], my annoyances such as the car not starting or the furnace breaking again seem PRETTY PETTY in comparison. I figger it lends me ‘perspective’ (…something my mother always advised as a panacea for any whining…)

I do claim to be somewhat of an expert on such movies, having seen a good 50 disaster flicks in my lifetime. My favorites revolve around planetary/ecological disaster but I’ve noticed a common thread running through said films: no matter whether the threat be meteor storms, Martians, Giant Homicidal Squid or earthquakes originating anyplace in the world, San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge inevitably gets trashed.                 

              The GG’s Strange Attractors…

 It happens in nearly EVERY disaster film. It happens SO often it’s not only become predictable, but hilarious. (I mean gee, Unmitigated Disaster hasn’t quite occurred if the Golden Gate still stands!)

Needless to say The Peanut Gallery has never quite ‘gotten’ my proclivity for disaster flicks, nor my reaction to them.

Bill recently walked in on my viewing of ‘Meteor Storm’, curious about the snickers that punctuated the sounds of mayhem and blasting noises from the Boob Tube (a curiously incongruous pairing of sounds, I’ll admit!)

Bill (cautiously): “What’s so funny?” (…cautious because he’s learned this relatively simple question can elicit some unexpected responses)

Moi: “I’m watching Meteor Storm. A CLASSIC disaster movie!”

Bill (watching a few minutes): “WAIT – are they saying the meteors are only targeting San Francisco?”

Moi: (snickering): “Yup. Despite the planet’s continuing rotation, The City remains in the crosshairs even hours later. And…WAIT for it….”

Bill (watching a few more minutes): “Um – is that the Golden Gate?”

Moi: (tears begin to flow again): “YES. Did you know it could bounce like that from simple meteor hits? Ooooh – THERE GOES A CABLE!”

And as Bill watches, astonished, the entire bridge begins to break up and fall into the ocean while, now hysterical with laughter, I am ROFLMAO.

All I hear is a quiet sigh from the Peanut Gallery and a Mutter to Self as Bill exits stage left: “I’m not even gonna ask….”

Lest you think it’s JUST ME, I direct your attention to an important web site confirming this phenomenon:

http://listverse.com/2011/04/03/top-10-fates-of-the-golden-gate-bridge/

Here you can find the ‘Top Ten Fates of the Golden Gate Bridge’: and being an expert, I’m here to tell ya this listing doesn’t even begin to cover all the possibilities presented in cinema!

From Soviet invasion and earthquake to meteor showers and underwater Giant Squid attacking (in ‘It Came from Beneath the Sea’) to the grippingly realistic classic ‘Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus’, the Golden Gate is obviously the Chick Magnet of Destruction.

So next time you drive across (or see photos of) the Golden Gate, just remember: Apocalypse is imminent; and as an American Icon the GG Bridge is the targeted poster child of every possible scenario.

Now, please excuse me. It’s time for a re-viewing of the latest Star Trek movie, and I can’t WAIT to resee what threatens the bridge THIS TIME….

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