So we’re in a small shop looking at bling and glitz (my two favorite things in life) and searching for The Unexpected (well, I am anyway…Bill’s translation is that I am ‘just looking’. Nope. I am on a mission which, thankfully for my pocketbook, does not often result in locating the Truly Zany/Must Have Item) when I espy a cute little Owl Ring for $1.95.
Me: “OOOH – it’s SOOO cute – and I can actually AFFORD IT!”
Bill (inspecting as though it’s gold): “I don’t know… it looks like a KID’S RING, to me.”
Silence. I give him The Look. The one that manages to wrap up “Well DUH – you DUMMY – of COURSE it’s for kids; and what do you think I am at heart???”
The Peanut Gallery (recognizing The Look – reluctantly): “I GUESS you can get it… I know how BROKE we are and that we’re not really spending money on THINGS WE DON’T NEED….”
Pause. NOW I actually and illogically feel GUILTY. Keep in mind the whopping $1.95 price tag. How can I be SO SELFISH??? I could be spending this $1.95 on MEDS! (For HIM.)
(Interjection and explanation: we are broke because his medical (mostly dental) bills consume over 60% of our discretionary income yearly. Add the ‘usuals’ of mortgage, utilities and food and using an algorithmic formula based on PieSquared times the Rate of Tooth Decay on a 67-year-old curmudgeon diabetic with a sweet tooth [who can’t lay off aforementioned Pie] and that adds up to just about enough to afford the owl ring….)
Bill has been wrestling with this Great Expenditure and my Frivolous Behavior until (suddenly cheery): “I know!!!!” (generously): “You can buy the ring.”
[NOTE: due to Past Experience, I can safely say that bowing down and uttering grateful (if not snarky) words of “Thank you, my lordship!” do NOT work under such circumstances of largess being granted from His Highness!]
Pause…..wait for it …..
The Peanut Gallery (now delighted): “You can consider it my birthday present to you. I was WONDERING what to get you this year!”
Gratitude did not spring forth from my loins (nor from any other body part, for that matter).
Instead, something felt so … WRONG … with this statement; I didn’t quite know how to respond.
. Should I thank MYSELF for the gift?
. Should I feel guilt that I was self-gifting?
. Should I resist the Owl Ring urge?
. Will “thank you….I THINK.” Get past the Snark Censor?
. Should I confess the Owl Ring was just ‘first’ in a round of Frivolous Expenses certain to increase in size and amount until my Actual Birthday in a week – so he can expected REPEATED THANK YOUS for things he has NO IDEA I am thinking on purchasing?
Instead, a more positive choice sprung to mind.
I obviously have to ‘up’ my Frivolous Spending Allowance if my Self-Gifting Urge is to assume any kind of meaning!
.contact the accountant (moi)
.for a raise (from my income)
.so I can buy myself a cheap birthday gift
He doesn’t know it yet, but said raise WILL be resulting in:
. One Easter Island Tissue Box
. Amazing Horse Head, to be smuggled under the covers at evening’s beginning and donned mid-night so that some errant cuddler might find himself nose to snoot with a HORSE in the morning.
. Unicorn Meat. So I can use it in my forthcoming Morning Fridge Display Plot when answering the perennial “What’s for breakfast?” query from the Peanut Gallery.
(Frighteningly, I already own a can of Creamed Possum.)
Sooo – Happy Birthday to Me!
And, thank you, Peanut Gallery, for the HorseHead, Unicorn Meat and Easter Island Tissue Box: they will be put to frequent and satisfyingly crazy use!