I Am AntiVirus

January 2, 2012

Happy Gnu Year!

…..I’d forgotten that one of the Joys of Xmas is the Annual Holiday Computer Grinchgift. You know: the one your computer likes to acquire on the Friday Before Xmas Eve, when nothing is scuttling through the house ‘cept for the hacker (who is hissing happily through your broadband lines, going ‘hohoho’…)

This year’s Annual Grinchgift was a little Trojan horsie that seemed easily caught and harmlessly banished by my antivirus program – until, upon restart, suddenly all online access vanished (hauntingly akin to the Ghost of Xmas Past.)

The Horsie had left the barn and was running away with my connection, leaving me high and dry at the UnOK Corral.

The ensuing dialogue is what happens when a Tech Geek meets an AntiTech Geek, resulting in the usual explosion of matter and antimatter meeting over breakfast; to wit:

Moi: I have a virus!

Bill: Well, don’t give it to me!

Moi: That’s impossible: it’s my computer (a.k.a. ‘Fred’) who is sick!

Bill (confused): THAT is inane. Even I know: an inanimate object can’t get sick!

Moi: Well, mine is! It won’t get online!

Bill (even more confused): Well, can’t you drive it there?

Moi: My drivers are DOWN. Among other things.

Bill (shrugging): I think it sounds dangerous…and just in case, can you kinda breathe in the other direction? I feel a Disturbance in the Force – and I’ve been reading about Bird Flu becoming airborne.

Moi: WTF??? It’s just a computer virus; it CAN’T BECOME AIRBORNE!

Bill:   Anything’s possible in the cyberworld.

I’m breaking into a sweat.

I’m going back to bed now…


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